Waiting for: my tickets (due to credit card problems not of my doing) to & fro London; a letter and cassettes from my guy; and as of tomorrow, my PR Card, as the whole mess will be in the mail.

Also waiting for cds I won from eBay last month: I asked them what was up, but have heard nothing since. Can't buy any cds now due to trip: once my tickets are finally nailed down, I have to find a place to stay, for at least one night.

Emotionally I am still okay. I revisit moments of agony or dischord, in the maybe-misguided idea that if I do this consciously, I won't have any more bad dreams or nightmares; working so far, at least. Everything seems so monumental now, so profound: but ordinary life, too, runs alongside, and is a relief sometimes; it is too easy to feel absolutes and extremes in this state, so it is good just to like things sometimes, to feel not just ecstasy or despair but also calm, peace and quiet, letting light and wind hit me like they hit everything else animate and inanimate...though still, it is true: he is my life now, and crowds out much else, though not everything - I cannot forget myself in this, or others I love.

But, on the bus today, I thought - look at what happened with my Mah-Jongg readings. (I have a set of cards I can use to play the game, but they are more meant for readings.) The centre card is the most important, setting the scene for everything else: in one, the Lotus, a baby Buddha in the center of the flower; in the other, the Carp, an old man with a picture of the fish. The Lotus (reminds me of "Ariel vs. Lotus" by Limblifter) is all about new life, possibilities of rebirth, after mourning, after some form of extreme situation...and I got it again, in describing me. The Carp (when G & I played with these cards years ago, we called it the Carper) is about long life, patience, endurance...and then I thought, yes, it's all true. The only warnings were against my taking too much for granted, in flattering myself; in self-confidence. (And now I remember the part in Jane Eyre where she does a harsh self-portrait of herself, and a beautiful portrait of her perceived rival; I am not in the same situation, exactly, but I understand that impulse, just as I dislike Rochester's messing around with her feelings later on, though he is fairly direct about them soon enough.)

Yes, I have a lot to do, a lot of what my counsellor once would call 'internal' work; past this week I hope I won't have much more work to do for this trip itself, beyond getting ready for it. I may be working for the family next door to G. soon, which would be good, obviously; ideal, as I like him and his mother, and he and Standing Man get along well...wish me luck, dear readers, as I wish you luck too!

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Oh, and I have to add this:

How to make a stereogirl

Ingredients: 3 parts friendliness 1 part brilliance 5 parts instinct

Method: Blend at a low speed for 30 seconds. Add a little lustfulness if desired!