The long-awaited package arrived yesterday. Looking back, here is what happened...

I got up, after a night of desperate hope and some tears of frustration. I have breakfast and prepare to leave, taking out some garbage as I go; it is a sunny morning and kind of windy too, and I walked slowly around my crescent to the main undulating street...

...past the high school where there's a sign on the corner, and it says something about mark returns being today, this morning, and there's an air of quiet anticipation as the marks are handed out - so strong I can feel it coming from the building - "judgment day" I mutter to myself, walking slowly by...

...and then only rushing in to get a computer, only to change computers with someone who needs my special one, and by the time I'm done I've been on two others...he is happy and London is sunny and lovely and I can believe it, oh I can *see* it, it's almost hyperreal sometimes, but no, the package still isn't here and I'm practically climbing the walls with anguish...

...I get some orange soda from the machine outside the big Chinese grocery store and then walk slowly home, holding my hat on my head it's so windy, and gradually I go home, past some vivid, lush flowers and semi-parched lawns here and there...

and I'm walking down my crescent again and hear a bird very close: I look up and it's a robin, my favorite, sitting on the lowest, thickest branch, waiting and looking to see if anyone answers. I pause and wait with the bird, but no, nothing; and I say again aloud to myself, 'the bird calls; sits and waits'. I feel the same. I go home, expecting nothing, but...

...OOOH it's there! I walk up, take it, hold it in sheer amazement, my breath and heart going faster, I yelp and I hear my help bounce off the other houses in the street, my body against the wall as I try to balance myself and not get too dizzy...

...and then I go back to the library, get online, write him, go to the grocery store and what should be playing but "Sweet Caroline" and then "Unchained Melody"...I go home, read his letter out loud and cry more than once...

And to top it off, today he told me that he had dreamed that I had gotten the package and in the morning woke up to read my email...so many of my dreams lately have been all about avoiding disasters, being saved, and OH I cannot tell you the huge relief this is, and I've cried more in the past day or so (from joy and empathy and intense happiness) than I have in a long time. It is exhausting, but think back to Elinor Dashwood at the end of Sense & Sensibility and how she smiled and cried at the same time, great gasping disbelief and joy streaming out all at once...that is how it was for me, and is for that matter...

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Oh, and I have to post this:

What Your Soul Really Looks Like

You are quite expressive and thoughtful. You see the world in a way that others are blind to. You are a grounded person, but you also leave room for imagination and dreams. You feet may be on the ground, but you're head is in the clouds. You believe that people see you as a bit small and insignificant. People pay more attention to you than you think. Your near future is all about change, but in very small steps. The end of the journey looks far, but it's much closer than you realize. For you, love is all about caring and comfort. You couldn't fall in love with someone you didn't trust.